Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

On Blogging

February 6, 2007

I started this site with the notion that it would contain everything that I was thinking about – A kind of clearing house for my highly-overstocked head. I wasn’t too worried about signing my real name since, with the breakup of my marriage, I no longer felt the need to justify my opinions to anyone. Indeed, to some extent I blamed my taciturn tendencies for the difficulties with Sarah, and saw this blog as an opportunity to get out of the habit. In that sense, the separation has been somewhat liberating. I haven’t been this ideologically independent since first year university (which, incidentally, was the last time I posted anything so personal on the internet – a sardonic little grocery list for the “perfect girl” which has thankfully expired from engsoc webspace)

I used to be a lot more cautious about this media. The web has a dangerous way of making your off-the-cuff remarks permanent (the aforementioned grocery list is available on for the dedicated). Any inconstancies in your historical opinions are easily cross-referenced and discredited. For example, Micheal Ignatieff arguably lost his chance to be PM because of the opinions he wrote favouring the invasion of Iraq. Prime Minister Harper meanwhile lost his party’s credibility in the environment portfolio thanks to a damning 2002 letter now posted on the liberal party’s website. One might argue that, as public figures, they were right to be held accountable to their published opinions. The difficulty arises when all opinions become published, regardless of their original intended audience. Take the example of the Delta airlines flight attendant who was fired for publishing a semi-fictional diary of her job as entertainment for friends. Though she took due care to protect anonymity by using pseudonyms for companies and people, A few photos of her in uniform were enough to convince Delta that she was harming their corporate image. To give a less malicious, personal example, I removed a section of a comment I made criticizing my boss because, while a legitimate “Thought Dropping”, our relationship might be harmed were he ever to discover it. Likewise, it wouldn’t be appropriate to post intimate details about my recent dating experience without permission from the lady in question. Though I would love to explore some of the revelations I’ve had.

On the other hand, I hold out some naive idealism that we ought to be able to freely share our ideas without fear of judgement or reprisal. My friend Sunir puts it eloquently: “It is the definition of oppressive to live in a world where you cannot fully express your own identity out of fear“. One may argue that complaints about one’s day at work don’t warrant the same protection as artistic creations or academic ideas, but where do you draw the line? I’m not trying to argue for any one extreme – I would honestly like to know where the line might be.

I’m tired, so I’m concluding without much resolution. It’s absolutely fantastic that the internet has given schmucks like me a chance to be published. But the freedom to publish also confers the freedom to be judged, and that’s a pretty big barrier. I wonder if society will change the way it reacts to published thoughts thoughts now that we’re all “public figures”.

Tuesday addendum: I can’t believe I forgot to cite ex-conservative MP Garth Turner, who was kicked out his party because the PMO didn’t like the political opinions he posted to his blog. I don’t think he regrets the outcome though, since today he was offered a plum spot on the Liberal side. It’s a good example of how the blogs are changing power structures by eliminating the ability to control information. I wish all politicians felt free to communicate so openly with their constituents. Unfortunately that won’t happen until attitudes change – We still prefer our politicians (and corporations) to have packaged opinions. From the last link: “[MP Turner] keeps jumping around,” said Karen Sinden, of Milton. “I have no idea what he stands for”. So much for Blog-Power.


On Dating

January 29, 2007

Last week I had this big debate with Jeff about internet dating. Years of stories and movies have taught me that I should meet my “True Love” accidentally, fatefully. Running a parametrized search for someone compatible with my chosen criteria seems a little robotic. I complained to Jeff that people who turn to these services were frustrated geeks with little appreciation for romance who spend all their time on the internet. When he stopped laughing, I realized I had just described myself. Sigh. Moreover the stereotype hasn’t been true for years. These days, everyone is on the internet, and even non-geeks appreciate the downright practical advantages of online dating.

So I gave in and put up a profile on Lavalife. My first week on the market has been a rollercoaster ride. For someone who values control over his emotions, I’ve been all over the place:

Last Thursday: Signed up for Lavalife. Holy hell this is nerve-wracking. I get worked up about a blog post, so imagine the state I was in trying to write a paragraph to describe/sell myself to potential dates. I finish in the wee-hours without enough energy to actually search for anyone.

Last Friday: Ran a search of women about my age in Hamilton. Hey, there’s a couple of cool looking people here! I’ll send them a quick email. Wait, how do I articulate what I want in a partner? How do I describe myself honestly without appearing too rigid? How do I approach subjects like being separated? Cripes I suck. it’s taking me hours to write a few paragraphs again.

Last Saturday: Nothing. OK, this dating thing is doing nothing for my ego. Bleh.

Last Sunday: Hey, check out all the smiles! I got replies to my letters too! OMG there’s a message on the telephone from that post-doc I met (outside lavalife) – she wants to go out sometime! People love me! They really love me!

Thursday: First date with post-doc. Lots in common, and lots to exlore. We had sushi, walked the dog in -30 weather, and planned a second date. It’s too early to tell how far it will go, but I did have a great time. My ego has also reached it’s highest level in months. So much for emotional control.

Saturday: Went to visit Sunir in Toronto. He decided he needed to go to a fancy club so he could live vicariously through me. Why do I keep forgetting how much I hate this scene: Pay cover to join a crowd of narcissists, in a room so dark and full of noise it seems designed to prevent you from getting to know anyone. What was I thinking glorifying this?

So yeah – dating again. It’s early days yet, but so far I’ve been pretty successful. I haven’t done this in many (many) years, so I’m actively working to stay light-hearted about the process in order to fight off the anxiety. The next date is tomorrow. She agreed to go to meditation class with me, despite my warnings that there would be a high risk of flakiness. Eager. I like that.